“im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idrc about that rn” – @ScaredAsian (2/8/22)

I like that tweet.

I’m kind of disappointed in myself today. I get scared that I write when I want to wallow in self-pity and that you won’t like this. But so far I think there’s only a handful of people reading this. You can stop reading if you don’t like it.

I’d like to figure out how to shift from embarrassment -> shame/stagnancy to embarrassment -> learning/moving forward.

I’d also like to figure out how to shut the fuck up and live life. Jesus christ, like why am I actually here. I think I’m meant to be a douchebag and an addict/skater who does graffiti on the weekends and works a shitty job.

If I’m so obsessed with feeling shitty, why not just let myself be shitty? I’m not religious, I’m a bit of a whore in my brain (sorry for getting touched as a kid), and sometimes I think things would be a lot easier if I was a man.

Patriarchy lets lowlife men stay horrible and I want to be horrible. I want to descend into grossness and not have my feminine exterior allow people to compliment me in the meantime.

I want bad attention. I want people to see my grossness and be disgusted. I want people to think, wow she’s really fallen off and then I want to be left alone. No longer in the mix of private school or Yale people’s opinions, just gone.

Yeah, I love you but maybe I want you to hate me a little a bit. Because if you don’t, then I don’t think you really know me.

I know this is immature, but don’t you ever feel too oniony inside? Like there’s a gross man sitting on the corpse of a girl who never existed? So yes I want this bloodline to die with me because I don’t think someone should inherit this.

Thanks for reading, sending love because this life is complicated.

P.S. Please comment below. How do you get moisturizer on your whole back without the help of another person? Are y’all moisturizing your backs every day?

P.P.S. Please invite me to the club if you’re going, xoxo