I’m thinking of Season 2, Episode 7 of The End of the F***ing World. When Bonnie (played by the illustrious Naomi Ackie) asks, “What do I do with all the pain?” and Alyssa (played by Jessica Barden) responds “I don’t know.” Bonnie delivers a soft spoken “ok” before trying to shoot herself. Alyssa and James (played by Alex Lawther) yell “No!” and stop her. Josephine Foster’s “I’m A Dreamer” plays.

Some seconds pass and we see Bonnie on the floor, crying. She delivers her last line of the show, “I’m really tired.”

whatdoIdowith all the pain?

idontknow.

ok.

no!

im really tired.

Sometimes the options come to you through a process of elimination. The people around you say no — sometimes out loud, most often through their presence. And then you realize you may not know what to do with the pain but you know dying is not an option.

I’m dissapointed in myself. Everyone is soft and squishy if you give them the space. Sometimes I don’t want to give the space. I get mad because I think my softness and squishiness has been trampled and gone unrecognized.

My strong sense of “justice” turns into an unpenetrable fortress where nuance is enemy #1.

I think about Bonnie’s character frequently. She lived so many years before realizing that she was tired. Maybe had never felt true rest. I hope she is ok, I hope you are ok.