lots of realizations as of late.

1. I recently figured out that I have forced myself to endure discomfort for so long, I forgot that I was supposed to tell people about it (or maybe I never knew). Like I straight up thought discomfort was the prerequisite for every human interaction! So now I’m like, hold up! I was supposed to tell people I didn’t like them or how they moved?! I thought I was just supposed to swallow it to prove that I am not weak!
   • Yikes! Anywho, that is how you get an autoimmune disease. And I don’t want to do it anymore but it’s also like, how do I tell people that the very foundation of our friendship is a LIE… i will figure that out after submitting this paper (and tbh, i do not feel uncomfortable with queer, mentally ill people so… it’s the other ones I’ve gotta worry about)
2. I have no self esteem. I would rather choose having no knowledge of myself than having to build up “self-esteem”. dare i ask, why do i need to “love myself”? i don’t think that’s something i can do alone. tbh that feels like mental illness. if i was in solitary confinement i wouldn’t be putting energy into “loving myself”, i would just be trying to survive. As long as I don’t kill myself I feel like that’s enough. Idk, i think it makes perfect sense that I was able to love someone else more than myself. I love the earth more than myself, i love the waterways more than myself, and I love some of my friends more than myself. That being said, I don’t hate myself enough to reject someone else’s love. Yes it makes sense you love me, thank you for sharing that with me because I cannot share it with myself in the same way. Would love feedback on this but yeah.

Beyond that, endings approach. I avoid responsibility like the plague (when it concerns myself). I enjoy dolling myself up. I did my laundry and can see the floor of my room again. I wish the babies the best (babies = anyone younger than me lol). And I have a lot to learn, from the babes and the elders.