i don’t feel senior spring in the fun way. maybe in 30 minute intervals but it’s always interrupted by something.

i hate saying words and other people being confused. that’s my least favorite thing in the whole wide world. i wonder what it’s like for that to be rare and for being understood to be common.

maybe he was right and i am a sad person. and maybe it’s easier to be sad and alone than sad and surrounded.

i think i will spend my birthday alone and i think that will make me happy.

in the same way that i think i’m writing these blog posts more for myself than anyone else.

i hate that you don’t speak the languages i speak and i hate that you don’t know the songs i like and i hate that you don’t know my family and i hate that you don’t try. because i do those things for you, for all of you.

and i get why he’s hermitting now and maybe i should have done that too. instead of bringing my raw humanity to every function and getting it scraped on the wall until i bleed. everyone is color blind and no one can see red.

maybe i should leave the function.

i know y’all are complex because everyone is. i just forgot that there can be complexity in joy. some of y’all experience so much joy that I don’t think you’ve lived.

or maybe it’s just happiness… maybe you go to bed at night wondering if there’s something beyond your family and your friend group and your god. and you’d be right.

and then i’m left wanting connection with the person that never made me feel too complicated. until he left. and yes he left because i was…. too good (too needy, too much, too sad… too complicated). but at least he left when he started making me feel too complicated.

y’all stick around, but i have to run into walls to get you to understand.

at least you won’t leave?

maybe i should.